Trolling For Comments

There's nothing more pathetic than someone vying desperately for attention. Scratch that. Even more desperate is someone seeking followup comments and concern from their online social-network friends when they post a cryptic status update that's just fishing for a response.

Day-Of-The-Week Phrases

Hey, thanks for your regular updates about what day of the week it is. But the fact that you use the same old tired cliches every week makes it even better!

Using Friends' Status As Your Personal Stage

Okay, so you think you're hilarious and you need to spread that with the rest of the world. But could you at least do it in your own status updates or on your own wall? Your friends don't need you to reply to all their statuses with your latest attempt at a witty comment.

Depressing, Negative Status Updates

I was having a good day, until I read yet another status update from you about what a terrible day you're having, or how disappointing your life is, or how people are just so mean, or how tired you are, or how much you hate work or your life, or that your cat has feline AIDS.

Why do you think people need to be repeatedly informed about your miserable life? You just got yourself hidden, that's what you did.

Taking Quizzes

If you need a Facebook quiz to tell you what kind of wife you are, or how good a friend you are, or which 80's icon you are most similar to, that's fine. But please don't spam all your friends' walls with the results. Hey, guess what? The latest quiz results are in. You're a loser.

Commenting On Casual Acquaintances' Daily Lives

I haven't talked to you since grade school and I know nothing about your life. If we ever met in person it would be as awkward as that time we walked in on your mom naked in the shower. Do you really think I need your personal advice, encouragement, or "yeah, me too!" comments about everything I post?

Now that we've seen what each other is up to and I've verified that my wife and kids are cuter than yours, can we just go back to hiding each other? Thanks.

Tagging Friends In Embarassing Pictures

Dude, that party was, like, totally awesome. Remember when Frank got completely wasted, stripped naked and streaked around the neighborhood? He totally passed out and we drew pictures on his face with a Sharpie! Frank, remember that? No? Well I tagged you in this photo so all your friends, family, and co-workers will see it on their wall! Awesome, bro!

Using Wall Posts For Personal Conversations

You wouldn't take out space on a billboard to ask your friend about the party you missed, would you? Or hire an airplane to write a smoke message asking if they would like to come over for dinner tomorrow night?

There is such a thing as email. There is even personal email built into Facebook! If you have something personal to say to your friend, don't broadcast it to the world.

Posting PDA On Your Significant Other's Wall

Your efforts to show the world how madly in love you are are failing. Instead, you look like a pathetic douche. You do realize that your private love-fest gets published to all your mutual friends' home pages, right? When people comment and say how adorable it is, what they really mean is that you're a pathetic douche.

Becoming A "Fan" Of Stupid Things

So, you're a fan of "Laughing Out Loud" and "Bacon", huh?

I don't give a shit. Become a fan of that.